Men are scum (and why I'm trading in dating for running in 2014)

My dating life has admittedly been all over the place and for the most part, non-existent.

 

I don't really have the time (bogus excuse), but more than that I'm just not making the time - I feel like I've been dating forever. It's so low on the priority list, I honestly almost forgot about it. Sure, I had an active profile on a couple dating sites over the course of the last 12 months, but it was really nothing more than that and I think I managed a grand total of 6 or so dates. I guess that makes what I am about to share even more surprising.

 

I debated whether or not to tell this story. I know the person read this blog, looks at (or looked at?) my Instagram and Twitter accounts. My whole, unimportant, lame life is out there for the world to find, but I guess he should have known that when he started all of this. All is fair in love and war, or something like that?

 

It started out innocently enough with Tinder, if that can be perceived as innocent. But I pinky-promise, I use it just like I use any other dating site. He messaged me, we started chatting, things went quiet, and a couple weeks later I picked it back up again. We started talking all day, every day, about every thing. Past relationships, family, work... you name it. Most of it was pretty superficial, but every now and then we got pretty deep and someone revealed maybe a little more than they intended.

 

We exchanged phone numbers, texted, sent selfies and stupid pictures of nothing and everything, and finally, finally, our schedules synced up and we made plans to go for lunch. Long story short, I showed up and he didn't. I knew deep down in my gut when I left work that day to meet him that something wasn't right, so I hardly waited 10 minutes for him at the restaurant. I called him, got his voicemail. He'd been out partying the night before and already texted me about what a mess he was that morning, so figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Life's hard when you are 32 and still crashing on friend's couches...

 

But I realized in his voicemail I had stumbled across a little gem of information I didn't have previously - his last name! So of course what do I do, I look him up on Facebook. And what do I find?

 

A profile picture including his wife and baby.  

 

So, there's that. Of course that was a dealbreaker (understatement of the day?) but I was interested to see how he handled this, so I let it play out. He gave me some half-assed excuse and a half-assed apology and I just didn't drop it. After this message on Saturday night: "I owe you big, Katie. I'm a guy and prone to goofing up and making mistakes and doing dumb things. I'm sorry.", I decided I'd had enough and I immediately quipped back, "Do you say the same thing to your wife?"

 

I just can't even, on so many levels. That he could take something that could have been so good (online dating) and turn it in to something so bad. That he could basically tell me that I am not worth anything more than someone else's seconds. I invested time and feelings. Let's be real, I never met the dude so I wasn't that invested, but multiple weeks of talking all day, every day sure does wear a girl down. All for nothing - worse than nothing! All for someone who was already spoken for. Douchebag.

 

I guess after quite a few forays into online dating I can finally say I have had one of those horrific online dating experiences we all hear about. Thanks pal.

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Nicknames

It all started in college when a certain un-named friend of mine met a guy who had worked previously as a radio intern and got the nickname "Joe with the Big Junk." He told her (in detail. on their first date!) about how he got the nickname, the details of which I will spare you, but it started a trend among our friends (or probably just between us) of adding people in our phones, mostly dudes, in that naming convention.

 

It's a fun game, especially as you are kind of getting to know someone. And even more especially if you are getting to know more than 1 someone's at once. I don't save anyone in my phone until I've come up with the perfect name.

 

 

A few examples:

• "Jesse Plays Paintball" - a guy I dated who told me in excess about his paintball field.
• "Matt from Tennessee" - pretty obvious, and I don't remember anything about him so being from Tennessee must have been the most outstanding thing about him
• "Ryan the Hasher" - this phone number is probably 3 years old but I still remember quite a bit about this guy. His #1 passion was 'hashing' And I wonder why it didn't work out...
• "Crazy Matt with the Ex" - pretty self explanatory

This is not a way to keep people straight. It's just a way to remind myself of who they are and maybe something memorable about them. Online dating can be hard enough, the last thing you need is to ask someone for the 3rd time what they do for fun. And when you meet someone out at a bar, well... any memory is better than no memory.

 

Does anyone else do this? Or something like it? Please tell me I'm not alone...

Grouper, please!

Have you heard about Grouper?

I just did, and I have to admit, I'm fascinated.

It's matchmaking meets online-dating meets strangers-in-a-bar. It's kinda, sorta, perfect.



I mean, no explanation from me necessary. I guess the only challenge I’m going to have is finding 2 other single ladies. Do I have any takers?

Crickets.



This idea is pretty rockin’. I could imagine a few situations that would be less than ideal. Mainly if you and one of your best besties fall for the same guy. That would kinda suck. I guess that’s when you could invite along 2 of your I’m-taken-but-still-loads-of-fun friends. I couldn’t find anything about relationship status in the rules…

But otherwise, I think this is pure genius. Anybody want to be my +2?

Thoughts about online dating

1. Why would you ask "Are you having any luck on here?" What am I supposed to say? Yes - but it's not with you? No, I'm a troll and no one wants to date me? Seriously. Does anyone have a good answer to that question beyond ignoring the email?

source

2. If you wink at me, or nudge me, or poke me, or whatever me, and I whatever back... now what? You whatever-ed me first, so are you now going to email me first? Or should I take the wink as an invitation to send you an email? But then that just means you are lazy. Or I'm lazy if I'm the one winking first.

3. If my profile says "interested in 6'0-8'11" then why, Mr. 5'4", are you winking at me?

4. On that note, if your profile says "interested in women age 30-45" then why are you sending me emails asking why I visited your profile but didn't drop you a note? I'M IN MY TWENTIES.

5. If you know me in real life, the appropriate thing to do is block me from seeing your profile and never visit mine. The appropriate thing to do is not send me an email saying, "Katie, is that really you? Why are you online dating?" The appropriate thing to do is also not visit my profile every other day. Guess what? I can see that you are doing that. It's weird.

6. Chatting online is reserved for Gchat and Microsoft Communicator. Not Facebook. And definitely not dating websites.

7. Poor grammar and spelling mistakes are an immediate turnoff. If you suck at spelling, copy/paste in to Word for a quick spell check before posting your profile. Or have a friend read it. Or your mom. "u" is not a substitute for "you", either.

8. I know all you gentlemen callers are looking for someone who is genuine, drama free, motivated, active, healthy, fun, smart... you get the idea. Newsflash, no girl is drama free. Even the most drama free girl. And we all want someone who is all of those things. Let's either recognize that and eliminate that part from our profiles OR come up with more creative adjectives.

9. Pictures of you from 1,000 feet away or so up close that I can't actually tell what you look like are not helpful. I look at pictures after I have read a profile so as not to bias myself, but it's an instant buzzkill if I'm really digging you and then your pictures contribute nothing.

10. I'm a picky bitch as evidenced by #1-9, so you probably shouldn't try to date me.

Anything else you'd add to this list?

First Dates

So I've admitted to online dating. My feelings about it still haven't changed, in case you are wondering.

Here's what I want to know though.

Ladies: When you go out on a date with a guy, what do you do when the bill comes (assuming you were at dinner)? 

Dudes: When you take a lady out on a date, what do you expect her to do when the bill comes? 

I've kind of discussed this before, but not necessarily in this context (and it was a long while ago).

Here is what I do, and I think based on a brief Twitter poll it is incorrect. Can you believe I am publicly admitting I might be wrong?

If I met the dude via online dating, my expectation is that he is going to pay and I do not offer. I do not reach for my wallet, I do not pretend to reach for the bill when it gets to the table. I simply let him take the check and make sure I say thank you more than once. I had to explain this to a friend last night and my thought was this. When you are participating in online dating, especially on a site where you pay to use it, it's kind of like the first date has already happened. When you actually meet with someone, you really have gone through all the first date crap. You know where they are from, a few things they like to do...you've done the basics. I see it as online dating skips straight to a second date. Am I making sense? How snobby and bratty does that make me sound? Don't be honest.

But, if I met a guy out at a bar and he got my number and we're going on a date, I think I'd assess the situation a little differently. I might even offer to leave the tip (if I have cash and if it's appropriate) or pay for the valet. Whatever will work.

But really, I think I am old fashioned. I think it's stupid that girls (my friends) reach for their wallets with no intention of actually paying. And really, if I'm going out on a first or second date with a guy who wanted to go dutch, we probably shouldn't be going out in the first place.

So back to my original questions.

Ladies: When you go out on a date with a guy, what do you do when the bill comes (assuming you were at dinner)? 

Dudes: When you take a lady out on a date, what do you expect her to do when the bill comes? 

The Ultimate Dilemma

I'm really not that great at dating. 

Exhibit A: Boy invites me to go out "one night next week." I forget to respond until next week is halfway over. Oops?

Exhibit B: Boy suggests we go out Thursday or Friday night and offers 3 places to go. I have never been to any so I say "Sure! I am up for trying something new, you pick!" He says "Ok, how about Friday at 8?" I panic. 

^^ the face of panic

What do you do when someone wants to make plans for a Friday night, particularly when you have no plans yourself? First of all, do you look like a loser if you say yes, because clearly you have no Friday night plans? And second of all, if I look like a loser, then isn't he a loser too because he clearly has no other Friday night plans either? So then are we just 2 losers going on a date? Because I am not a loser! Or does that then become my Friday night plans and then I am suddenly cool again because I have plans on a Friday night? And so then does that mean he is using me to look cool so he can have plans on a Friday night? 

Now you know what it is like to live in my head, and why I will likely never marry and just end up some crazy lady with 17 couches in her condo and plants on her balcony. Oh yeah, I'm already there. Win win?

For the record, I said yes, so now I have Friday night plans. I am really not sure if this makes me cool or a complete loser. The fact that I blogged about it leads me to believe the latter is the case. Someone stop me.

Updated to add: I hope he never reads this. I might die. 

The Online Date Debate

I've debated for a long time about whether or not I wanted to divulge the fact that I have joined the world of online dating right here on my old blogarooski. I'd be lying if I said it was because I was afraid the potential dates would find it; it was more about my being embarassed that I had "stooped" so low as to online dating. I didn't want people to judge me - people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, but have somehow stumbled onto my blog via word of mouth or just plain luck. Trust me, it happens.

Anyway, I have decided to go ahead and share with you my online dating experience because it's basically over, so I don't have much to worry about anymore. And really, what do I care if you judge me, strangers on the internet?!

I joined the online dating world a little under a year ago. I felt like I needed to meet new people. I have friends (shocking...) and very good ones at that, but it's kinda hard to meet people when I'm out and about on a Friday night because a) I've usually had enough cocktails to make me easily distracted, b) my friends were/are mostly dudes with a few girlfriends thrown in the mix and c) when I'm out with my friends, I want to hang out with them, not try to meet Mr. Right!

So, Match.com it was. I paid for 1 month, and made it my goal to go on 4 dates in as many weeks. Mission accomplished! I went on 4 great first dates, only one of which I was bummed about when he didn't call for a 2nd date. After my first month on Match, I figured what the heck, what's another month! That second month was not quite as productive, so I ended my subscription and figured online dating wasn't for me.

In August, I decided I was bored and wanted something to entertain myself, so I joined OkCupid. I had heard mixed things about it and figured I would give it a try. I activated and deactivated my account more than once and went out on a handful of dates, but I was entirely unimpressed with the OkCupid clientele. I also really felt like you get what you pay for, so to speak. Because OkCupid was free, many of the people I started conversations with never actually invited me out or suggested that we should even meet, even after a few weeks of emailing/texting. I realize this is different for everyone, but you know after a couple of emails if you are interested in going out with someone, and while I am not afraid to send the first message, I do kind of expect the guy to do the first invitation. Is that too old-fashioned of me?

After talking with some friends, I re-started my Match membership a month ago. Honestly though, this time is really no different than the others have been. It provides entertainment, I've gone out on some good first dates, and even a handful of second dates, but nothing particularly promising.

I guess that really sums up how I feel about online dating. It's fun, it's entertaining, and it gets you out of the house and meeting new people and in an effort to sound as shallow as possible, it's a guaranteed free dinner! Do I think I'm going to meet someone that I date long-term via Match.com? Chances are no. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to continue putting myself out there. I started online dating because I felt like I had to take my future into my own hands, and now I'm just kind of eh about it. Funny how that works, right?

I never thought I'd be one to join an online dating site. I'm outgoing, I have friends, and I have never had a problem meeting people, but like many other people I've talked to, it's really, really hard to meet people after college. So, that's where I stand. I still have another month left on my subscription but after that, I think I'm done with the online dating world. So, anyone have any single male friends? I assure you I'm not too crazy.

Dating Squared.

In case I haven't made it abundantly clear, I'm really freaking single. Like, haven't been on a date in about 6 months single. Haven't been kissed in I-don't-even-know-how-long single. That kind of single. I'd say approximately 350/365 days a year that is just fine with me. But on those other 15 days when I'm wishing I had a person to cook dinner for or take pictures with or just curl up and watch a movie with, I start thinking about my options. One of those options is to be set up with friends of friends and hope for the best. I have not yet explored this option, mainly because I know most of my friends' friends. We tend to travel in packs, and therefore lots of inter-mingling and mixing occurs. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm at that age where everyone has a boyfriend. Either one leftover from college or a new, post-grad grown-up relationship. Both are fine, but it doesn't leave a whole lot to be desired by me when it comes to my friends. What I'm trying to say is, everyone I know is either in the friend-only zone or is in a relationship. And so is everyone they know. Neither are particularly helpful.

I have one friend who I'm pretty sure has dated every single guy in her vicinity. If you have a single friend, she has uncovered him, arranged to meet him, possibly made out with him, gone on a few (or more) dates with him, and it hasn't gone anywhere, thus leaving the middle-man friend in an awkward I don't know who's side to take situation. Even if things end amicably, which they always have in this friend's case, you can't tell me it's not still kind of awkward and a little bit uncomfortable. I'd know you were lying if you said that. I don't like liars.

Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I have a friend who will ONLY date complete strangers. If you know the same people and there is even a small chance that post-dating you could run into each other, she's so totally out. I've tried to convince her to date some of my awesome friends (when they were single, because obviously now I'm in the everyone has a person but me club) and she flat out said, "They're great, but they're your friends. No thanks." It was nothing personal to me, it was just her preference. Dating one of my friends, to her, meant that I would potentially ok for sure meddle, there would be awkwardness if dating didn't go so smoothly, and she'd likely have to see this person repeatedly regardless of their dating situation. So she passed. About a thousand times. If I'm anything, I'm persistent.

So, my question is this: Do you date friends? Do you date strangers? Do you fall somewhere in between? Any horror stories or romantic tales about dating amongst friends? Even though dating my friends' friends isn't even an option because they're all snatched up, I'm interested to see how it might have worked out if it were!