Just like that...

It's nearly the end of the year! As always, I spend the end of the year reflecting on what I did over the last 12 months and what I want to do differently in the upcoming months.

2010 was GROWN UP. 2011 was CONSTANT. 2012 was FUN. 2013 was AMBITIOUS. I spent a lot of time reflecting about 2013. Were things around me changing, or was I changed? In Costa Rica I deemed 2013 the year of transformation, but in hindsight, that's not quite accurate. I think I am still figuring out who I am, and in doing so I took risks and created adventures for myself and challenged myself. I did things that I didn't think I'd ever do, and pushed myself to the limits, quite literally.

When I decided to apply to a top 25 part-time MBA program, everyone around me thought I was setting myself up to fail (although they didn't tell me at the time). Hell, I thought I was setting myself up to fail. And then I got in.

When I booked a trip to Costa Rica 8 days in advance, I thought I was absolutely mad. No one else knew how to deal with me and I was at my wit's end with a lot of things. I didn't know how to deal with everything happening around me. And then I spent 7 days with some of my now-favorite people in the world and it feels like it was the easiest thing I've ever done.

I pushed myself in (and out of) relationships, both personally and professionally. I forced myself out of my comfort zone. I worked harder this year than I ever have in my entire life both at work and at school and I am beyond proud of the things I have done, the people I have met, and the accomplishments under my belt. I was promoted to a new role, I was recognized at work with an award for excellence, I passed all my classes in my first semester of business school, I was elected social chair of my class...these are not easy things, and I certainly don't think I made them look easy (in fact I probably made all of them look infinitely harder), but it's just more examples of how I pushed, pushed, pushed without looking back. Or around, or forward, really.

Seems like 2014 has some big shoes to fill, but that's not the point. Believe it or not, pushing yourself to the limit is exhausting. It can be heartbreaking, disappointing, and plain old hard. It's also invigorating, inspiring, exciting. But it's time to slow down.

I would like 2014 to be INTENTIONAL. I'm not making resolutions, per se, but a few goals.

• Less time and effort into my love life: I will be spending zero time pursuing any dating opportunities between now and the end of March. I'm not going to say no if the opportunity arises, but I'm not going to seek it out.
• More time and effort into my physical well-being: I'm running a 1/2 marathon (!!) on March 23 and would like to finally do that triathlon I spoke of.
• Less time bebopping all over the world just because and more time with people that matter in places that matter: a long weekend in Atlanta with the Costa Rica girls, #kanda2014 in Croatia, debating between a shorter return trip to Iceland and a 2 week trip to China for school in August, at least 1 trip to San Fransisco, and a few stops in Dallas, Chicago, Boston and Miami to round out the year, and of course many a summer weekend at the lake.

It's never the new year without an actual resolution, though, so here it goes. My 2014 New Years Resolution is to make my bed daily. I have one other one, but I'm keeping it to myself for now :) 

Big plans for October

Remember when I did the Lenten Adventure? I've been missing it a little bit. I've been missing structure, some sense of boundaries, rules, something to keep me in line. I thrive on routine, on the comfort of knowing what is coming next. And sometimes I let that all fall by the wayside just for funsies, and I have to rein myself back in. So, I'm re-adopting a few (just a few...) of the things I added or gave up earlier this year as part-challenge, part-being true to myself. It just needs to be.

 

1. Cheese - it's got to go.

2. Daily exercise - it's got to happen, broken foot be damned.

3. Church on Sundays - no brainer.

4. Snoozing the alarm clock - case and point, I should be at work right now and instead I'm working on my couch...

5. Making my bed daily - such an easy, satisfying chore.

 

We each have different coping mechanisms to deal with life, and creating rules for myself to live by is one of mine. Whatever works, I say, and I know this works for me. I haven't decided if I'm just going to do this for October or for the rest of 2013, but I'll report back.

 

What's the last thing you did in your own best interest? I also took myself home on Friday night rather than going out to another party and I call that a success by every count imaginable.

My Thoughts on Seeing a Therapist

Taboo topics, for the win.

 

Yep, I see a therapist. I have for about 8 months now. The last time I was there she kinda-sorta tried to break up with me and I straight up told her no. I get it, she's having a baby soon and needs to figure that out and I'm not exactly high priority on her list of patients when it comes to real medical need, but she's pretty dang high on my priority list when it comes to doing real life so she isn't going to get rid of me that easily.

 

I started seeing her last December when my uncle got really sick and my family got overwhelming and my anxiety went through the roof. And we got into a sweet routine. I go in ~every 10 days, we talk for 45 minutes, she gives me some excellent perspective and I carry on with my life (and presumably she with hers.) I've told her about that pesky friendship that keeps popping back up - she's totally not a fan but she gets it, and she claims I've come a long way. She was one of the first people who knew about graduate school. I felt safe telling her because she hardly knew me then. She asked constantly about the Lenten Adventure and for the first time in 8 months, I sat in her office and sobbed a few weeks ago.

 

You may wonder how I found her... I googled. And then I called around. I knew I wanted to see a female, and I knew I was looking for someone who specialized in anxiety, relationships, and general life stuff. I also didn't really care what type of degree she had, so long as she was certified to see me as a patient. I wasn't sure the difference between a licensed counselor, LPC, LMFT, etc, and I figured it probably didn't matter so long as I found someone I clicked with. I 'interviewed' one woman to see if we'd be a good fit, but turns out she didn't take my insurance so I had to move on. My current doctor isn't particularly convenient (her hours are only 9am-5pm, so I have to take 1hr off work each week to see her) but for some reason I just felt like it worked when we first met. So we kept meeting, and a few weeks in she asked me how I felt things were going and I was honest; I felt really comfortable with her, felt like we had really established a good cadence for our appointments, and I really appreciated her perspective and oppenness with me. So we keep on keepin' on.

 

I think this happens, where people get attached to their therapists. I'm officially attached to mine. I don't particularly need her. My anxiety is under wraps mostly. My family is sane. I have a good routine that is only going to get more structured, not less. I feel appreciated and valued. But she is now part of my people. I just enjoy talking to her. I enjoy her perspective, her support, her calling me out on my antics. I like trying to predict how she will react when I tell her something. I genuinely enjoy therapy sessions because it's like talking to an unbiased friend. I think that's what it is designed for, but I also think therapy (seeing a therapist/psychologist/pyschiatrist) will be a different experience for everyone. Just like no 2 people are the same, no 2 experiences will be either.

 

So that's that - it's why I see a therapist, and why I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. No one should be. We all need somebody to talk to, who is on our side, always ready to help us stand up and be the best we can be. I'd encourage anyone who is considering it to take the leap. I was nervous at first, but it's been nothing but positive. I'll be right here cheering you on and hoping you find something and someone as wonderful and helpful as I have.

 

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Busyness

How many times have you had this conversation:

Friend: Hi! How are you?
Self: OMG So busy, you wouldn't believe it.
Friend: Yeah, me too. Tell me about it. I know the feeling.
Self: Yeah, life's just super crazy right now.

I've had that conversation so many times it makes me want to throw something. Do I have nothing better to say than, "look at me I'm so busy and important." So, I have focused recently on not telling people about how busy I am. Instead, when they ask how I am, I answer honestly. I'm stressed out because I feel like my life is falling apart. I'm really happy, because my parents are coming into town. I'm excited for a long weekend away with extended family. I'm geeking out over the Olympic Trials.

I am doing all of these. Clearly I am busy. That goes without saying, so I try really really hard not to say it.

Then I found this article via Facebook friends and realized that I'm not the only one annoyed by my constant proclamation of busyness.

So I challenge each of you to change your answer from Busy to Something Else just once and see how it feels. I bet you won't feel quite so busy.

April Goals

You are going to be shocked. Seriously.

I have run two 5k's. RUN. Not walked. Not crawled. Maybe stumbled some.




My goals for April are simple:

1. Participate in 2 more 5k's (already on the books!)
2. Celebrate my birthday on my actual birthday.
3. Finish 3 books.

What are your goals for April?