This weekend the guy I've been seeing for a little while ended things. It was the right thing for him given the other things going on in his life, and thus the right thing for me, but holy hell it still sucks. It was not entirely unexpected, but I did think I'd be able to somehow smooth things over or reassure his panicking mind. Then he said his whole "this can't go anywhere" schpiel in 60 seconds on the phone when I least expected it and all my best-laid plans completely fell apart.
I'm bummed. I'm more than bummed, I'm really sad. We had potential. I liked him a lot. We shared goals and values, we fit. It was still new and fun and exciting, but I also knew that he had a lot of the qualities of the man I could see myself with. He is loyal and honest, caring, thoughtful... but he also has a past that he needs to deal with and figure out, and I can't do that for him and he worries about dragging me through it with him. The part that sucks the most is nothing happened that prompted this. He still likes me and just think it's not fair to me to spend time together because he knows it isn't going anywhere right now. Not because of me, because he doesn't know where his life is going and he can't give me what I want and it's not fair to me. I'd like to call bullshit, but from his perspective it is very, very real.
Of course I'll be fine. My heart hurts now and my stomach is in knots, and the next couple of days will be a little melancholy as I re-figure out who to send all my stupid text messages to, and reality will really hit when I leave school every night with no plans after class, but it is what it is. I'll throw myself into work, friendships, whatever else, and I'll recover just fine. I'm not afraid of not recovering because I've done this enough times now, either by my own doing or someone else's.
But I'm over it. I'm over the emotional roller coaster of meeting someone, of being unsure, of beginning to trust them, wondering if you are doing the right things, saying the right things, somehow getting confirmation that everything is great and then realizing for whatever reason that things aren't all hunky dory. That process is exhausting.
So, I'm calling it quits. No online dating, no Tinder, no set-ups, no thanks. I feel like I'm exaggerating, but every time this happens it seems like the walls go up a little higher and I'm just that much more skeptical. I don't want to be that person, because it's not me. So instead I'm going to re-focus my time and energy in other places. Who knows, maybe I'll start training for another race or pick up some random hobby to distract myself. I'll start by taking a 3 week, intensive class over the holidays and booking a trip to surprise a friend for her birthday. Running away always solves the problem!