Have you ever ended or changed the nature of a relationship (friendship, romantic, work, or otherwise)? I kind of did, recently, and it was pretty dreadful. The bottom line is, the relationship wasn't healthy for me. It wasn't healthy for either of us, really, but I think it affected me more.
I accidentally but kind of on purpose started the "breakup" conversation a while ago, and then it was just a matter of time before the rest of the conversation happened. I'm not sure I understand 100% of the reasons why, only that it had to happen. I'm not happier without this person right now because I'm hurting, but eventually I will be a-okay. I miss them. Some nights I stay up late writing down all the things that I would have said over the course of that day, or when we talked late at night. I write down all the things they would have told me about, too. I have some pretty awesome 2-way conversations that never existed all written out! But. It is incredibly therapeutic to write, and so I will continue until I run out of things to say.
A note: I wrote the above nearly a month ago. I knew I wouldn't want to post it right away, and I was right. I still miss this friend, but as expected, the pain has subsided and in it's place comes a feeling of peace. Of knowing I did the right thing. And of knowing that in that time, other wonderful people have either re-entered or entered my life for the first time. And that has been even more awesome.
I could remind myself about all the things that were great about our friendship but I know what will happen, or really what won't happen. The break-up will backfire and we'll find ourselves right back where we were. And then give it another 3 months, and I'll be back in these shoes again, knowing that I have to make a really hard decision that is really right for me. I have to walk away from someone who means the world to me and makes me over-the-moon happy because as happy as they make me, that's how much the relationship hurts me. It's not every day. It's not one action. It's an ache for things to be not-the-same that doesn't disappear. An ache for more, for less, for something to change.
Another note: The ache is gone, and it went away so much faster than I thought. I could certainly attribute this to a number of things, but the biggest one has been my attitude. Knowing this was the best possible decision for me, but also knowing that this friend would ultimately be there for me through thick and thin. Our friendship wasn't being cut off with no path forward - just a bumpy, turn in the road. It's still there, just like I always wanted.
My heart hurts writing this, but I needed to say more than just a little note in my iPhone. I hope that by leaving the intensity of this relationship behind me, I'll have space for new friends, new relationships, and I'll walk away with a heavier heart only for a little while. In the meantime, I'll keep writing letters on my iPhone until I don't have letters to write anymore, and when I run out of letters to write, then maybe we can start from scratch, but I won't get my hopes up. I think I'll be writing letters forever.
The final note: I'm still writing letters, but as time has gone on, I've found they are so much more for me than they are for anyone else.