Bugs-Be-Gone

Me and the outdoors, we have a pretty good relationship. I stay in, they stay out, it's that simple really. Condo living has made this living arrangement that much more agreeable, too. And whenever the outdoors has come inside, I've found whatever animals made their way in to be awfully considerate, arriving when the roommate's boyfriend (whom I lovingly refer to as my 1/2-bf) is conveniently over to properly dispose of them amidst our screaming and panic.

For instance, the time I was making jello shots in the kitchen, and Dustin is hanging out with me while Nicole was on a conference call, and I turn around and there is A LIZARD JUST CHILLING ON MY 2ND FLOOR KITCHEN TILES. Needless to say, while I jumped on the bar chairs nearest me and screamed and pointed, he calmly scooped it up and threw it over the balcony. Who knows if that conniving little lizard survived the fall, but alls I know is that it was out of my kitchen.

So this morning, I'm going through my morning routine, and I happened to be at the point where I sit down on the toilet. I glance over to my left, and JUMP UP OFF THE TOILET SCREAMING because there WAS A GIANT CENTIPEDE LOOKING BUG WITH CHOMPERS TWICE THE LENGTH OF HIS BODY AND A BAJILLION LITTLE LEGS. He was just crawling all over my bathroom wall at my eye height as if it was no big deal. As if I was in HIS SPACE. Apparently, how dare I.

So now I've got a bug on the wall, a toilet I'm afraid to go near because of said bug, and I've GOT to take a shower, and THERE IS NO ONE THERE TO KILL THE BUG EXCEPT NICOLE!!! And she's just as freaked out as me. So I jump in the shower, praying with all my might that he doesn't decide to follow me, take the fastest shower of my life, and get out, TO FIND THE LITTLE DEVIL SCAMPERING TOWARDS MY CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR. I realize this is my personal problem, leaving clothes on the bathroom floor and all, but I'll be damned if that little jerk was going to ruin perfectly good clothes by scurrying all through them. I scooped up my clothes, threw them on the counter, RAN for a shoe, waited for the perfect moment and

WHAM! Dude was dead. Or at least I hope so, because this happened at 7am and it's now 4:30pm and that shoe and the door it is in front of haven't moved, and won't until at least this time tomorrow. It's kind of a nuisance, too, because the shoe-that-killed-the-bug is holding the door open, but I have all my jewelry on the back of the door, and I hang my towel on the back of the door too. Oh well - lacking jewelry and a new towel hanging spot are well worth the sacrifice. Hopefully Dustin comes over later to clean up the bug guts.

But seriously... now is when I need some sort of immediately available man-friend. Maybe I should put that on an online dating website. Girl seeking bug killing boyfriend. I'm pathetic.