Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Happiness still can't be found at the grocery store...

I'm not sure when it happened, but it has. Now, instead of feeling instant happiness for my friends as they start new relationships, buy houses, move in with significant others, travel places I've never been, get engaged, have children, move to new cities, etc, I feel jealous.

I wonder why those things aren't happening to me. I wonder what I did wrong, what I could have done differently...if I hadn't gone to Spain, would I still be in love with someone who wasn't in love with me (but I thought I didn't care)? If I hadn't been a total lush, would that 1 guy I met at that 1 bar that 1 night 3 years ago have worked out? If I hadn't waited for the 'right' job and instead just accepted any job, would I be in a different place?

I've written before about happiness, and how there isn't a limited supply. It's not an item on the shelf in a grocery store. My friends, the people I love and care about more than anything, can be happier than they have ever been and it doesn't mean that I too can't experience the same feelings at the exact same time.

So now I need to figure out how to shake this 'tude. Deep down I am truly happy for my friends, excited for them, and want nothing but the best, and I want to be able to convey that instead of forcing a smile while thinking, "man, why isn't that me?"

I am going to try really, really hard to turn my attitude around. It's not going to be easy. I'm going to fail at it miserably sometimes. I just have to keep remembering that we can all be happy together. We can all have great things happen to us at the same time. One is not exclusive of the other.

But seriously, when is it going to be my turn?

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