the secret life of katie

I said I was going to use this more as a journal, so that's what this is going to be.

The last few days have been hard. I found out something that one of my closest friends was keeping from me, and it hurt. I hurt. I felt betrayed and stupid and foolish and a whole bunch of other things. I guess the silver lining is that said friend was totally unreachable through the weekend, so I had to deal with my emotions and my feelings by myself. And I did.

I'm actually really proud of myself. I am such a knee-jerk person. I react instantly and predictably. People who know me and like to get me riled up recognize this and antagonize me (Sister, I'm looking at you). The fact that I couldn't have that knee-jerk reaction in this situation was such a great lesson for me. I processed the situation, I figured out what I was really upset about and why, I planned out very carefully what I was going to say and how I was going to say it and I didn't just rush into a yelling match with someone who I care so much about. Guess what? There was still yelling involved. My feelings were still hurt. My friend's feelings were hurt that I didn't trust the relationship we have and believed what someone else told me. Hours of conversation, laughter, and tears later, I think we're fixed. I hope we're fixed. Can't imagine life without a best friend.

But man, what a learning experience.

The most interesting part? Once we finally talked, I found out that what I thought was being kept from me wasn't true. It was a 'he said, she said' misunderstanding on the part of the person who told me, and the person who told them. This presented a whole new set of issues around spreading gossip and why I trusted someone else instead of my friend, but it makes it that much more 'lesson learned.' If I had flown off the handle, if I had let loose and lost control of my emotions, I would have made a fool of myself.

I guess the point in writing this is to warn each of you to slow down, take a step back, and give the people you love (and the one's you don't) the benefit of the doubt. It didn't solve my problem, but it made the whole situation and experience so much more bearable. I know it's something I am going to be acutely aware of going forward.